‘goodbye cruel world, I’m leaving you today, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye’.
5am, an early start. Too excited to think, too excited to sleep. An end, something exciting. Like the day the world changed. I watch those videos endlessly, everything’s going fast, a day no one will ever forget.
The room is neat. Everything has been thrown away or put away and there’s a minimalist look to it. I love my white room the way it looks now.
‘goodbye, all you people, there’s nothing you can say, to make me change my mind, goodbye’.
Flick the t.v on and try to wade through all the twee crap on British breakfast tv. An explosion in an oil refinery. Trouble in those other parts of the world. Those parts where people live lives of meaning, where their every possession is precious, means something special, and their family is dear to them. They have something to wake up and fight for. I have a catalogue of failure, envy, fear, bitterness, inferiority, despair and hopelessness. But most of all, my life’s not real. I have no real need to wake up beyond basic functions.
I tried to pick myself up earlier this year, tried to be enthusiastic, used a couple of drinks to boost my confidence but soon realised that sociability brought certain obligations. Suddenly, lots of people phoned me and when I wanted to sit alone, they would talk to me in excited tones about trivial things, and my migraine would come with a vengeance. In the end, when I couldn’t take it any more, I had to get out of it in the only way I could and in the only way that would put them off. Inappropriate behaviour did the trick but instead of going round one of their houses and throwing their telly out of the window which would have really upset them and incurred damage and costs, I simply organised a gathering at my house, let it build up and when a gentle, well-meant barb about my shithole of a room came my way, I went ballistic and threw my own telly out of the window. I shouted at them to get the fuck out and like the nice, harmless people they were, they did so without any resentment and ill-feeling towards me. That was that, and since then, I’d barely spoken to anyone. My family would ring and I sounded upset and unhappy. They would talk to me up to a point, with practical suggestions about jobs, but then they’d give up. That’s enough, all you need to know. Except that last week was my birthday, and I made an effort and looked good for my parents. I was too busy to see the rest of my family, planning.
‘goodbye cruel world, I’m leaving you today, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye’.
‘goodbye, all you people, there’s nothing you can say, to make me change my mind, goodbye.
Into the fresh air, a cool breeze. Perfect day. Go to the park, one of many in the capital. See nature, get my mind right. Not right for tomorrow, right for today. Walk around, shout with happiness at how I suddenly have no inhibitions. I see someone coming towards me and start to laugh. What will they do? What can they do? Go past the lake and think about how water is my friend. Or will be soon. In a few hours, I’ll be travelling through the water. Water boy, that’s me. Floating through, nothing violent, it’s dark and no one’s around. I won’t affect anyone, won’t upset anyone. And for now, in the park, safe and sound, I shrink a couple of feet and I’m in the big park with my brother and sister and I run and run and it’s beautiful. I don’t stop and don’t have any walls, any protection. I don’t need it. And I feel like that now. I’m floating. I sit and smell the fresh air. England in the autumn is fantastic. It’s cool and I’m cool. My temperature is just right.
I had a fever when I was very young and I felt sick and hot. For 4 days, I was catatonic, intermittently screaming and sobbing. Ever since then, I’ve suffered from a build-up of pressure which transforms itself into heat. I’ve relived this fever many times and I’ve made myself cold to take it away, so I’ve never been the right temperature. And like the dinner party in March, pithy humour aimed in my direction has brought on the heat.
‘goodbye cruel world, I’m leaving you today, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye’.
‘goodbye all you people, there’s nothing you can say, to make me change my mind, goodbye’.
Today, there’s no heat and no cold.